


only a love letter remains

by s0ftboiwrites



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Birthday, Feelings Realization, Internalized Homophobia, Letters, M/M, Moving On, mentioned Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2020-07-30 09:33:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 1,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20095108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/s0ftboiwrites/pseuds/s0ftboiwrites
Summary: jaemin through the eyes of huang renjun, as told by a series of letters.





	1. august 13, 2016

** _august 13, 2016_ **

_happy birthday na jaemin!_

i'm sorry for ignoring you for a whole day and not sending any gift, because i wanted to be the last person to greet your ugly ass. anyways, happy birthday! you're finally 16, and well, 16 wasn't a very great experience for me but i hope it gives you a very happy one. also, i apologize for being the most self-destructive and fucked-up friend you have, sorry for always acting like a twelve-year old with cramps and for always acting like a jerk when we hang out together, and i'm sorry for my sass. can't help it.

also, thank you for staying. thank you for understanding me. thank you for the friendship we have, for always listening to my drama in life, even though it's mostly just about other people lmao. i hope you live long enough and more birthdays to come, and i hope God bless you because you do believe in him.

which i find kinda contradicting because you're bisexual and currently dating a guy. but anyways, i don't judge man.

yes, right. jeno! i hope you don't break his heart, ok? he's my friend, and i hope i've did a good job in playing cupid. i love him so please don't break his heart or i'll snap your neck, you bitch.

lastly, i know we have our ups and downs as friends, thank you for always believing in me and trusting me to understand. even though you're just a dumbass i hope you understand me, the same way i do with you.

yeah whatever happy birthday bye.

\- _rj_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's based on real life y'all. it's a series of letters i sent to a guy that used to be my friend, which i also accidentally developed feelings on. it's all true, except to some slightly personal parts i removed to fit these characters.


	2. august 13, 2017

** _august 13, 2017_ **

hey, asshole. _it's me._

how dare you leave me on your inbox? who do you think you are? what the fuck!!! you ain't special, bitch.

anyways, happy birthday fucker. i hope you enjoy your day! enough of the bullshit blah blah. ok, i really miss you and our tiny hang outs together because i really feel that we haven't had the time now to stay in touch, now that i'm in different classes from you and we have our own friend group.

i know i always sound disinterested and downright hostile but i do care for you, and even though we could barely be called 'friends', you really matter to me as a person and as a friend.

i'm sorry for giving you too much shit, for dumping you emotional baggage when i know you have a fair share from everything right now. i'm sorry for being hotheaded and impulsive but i just say shit to you because you matter in my heart. even though you're stressful and annoying and sometimes act like shit, i still think you deserve it. you deserve to be kept, and for that i apologize what i did to you last summer.

that shit was nasty, for reals, and even though you try to act like it was nothing and shit i hope you know that i'm thankful for giving me another chance and for the forgiveness. you deserve more, and i know i am a very bad friend.

i'm sorry for getting flustered everytime people call us a couple, i just feel embarrassed for you and jeno. i'm sorry, and i will keep my distance when we finally hangout next time! ok?

i love you man. god bless even though i don't believe with such stuff. stay the same, because you're already cool for me. don't let people tell you otherwise. if you feel down, just hit me up. you had my back then, so i'm going to understand if you'll need a shoulder to lean on. i'll always be there.

peace,  
_renjun_


	3. august 13, 2018

** _august 13, 2018_ **

whaddup yo, _it's your birthday today_! you're officially 18 today and officially the same age as me, and i'm really happy for everything you've did since you were 16. happy birthday, i hope you smile more often because... i don't know people say it helps you burn calories when you smile frequently. so try and be happy, even though there are bad days ahead of you, please try and keep a positive perspective on things.

i know you've been able to be strong for yourself, and i can't say that i'm not proud on your self-reliance. i'm happy for you, really. i'm happy that you could finally be able to keep your head high and open up yourself to other people. i'm happy that you finally found time for your own.

so, i might not be around you (yes, i blocked you in everything if you didn't notice) anymore because i abhor your opinion on different things, but don't worry, i still believe (or maybe i stopped believing? i don't really know) that you are a good person. because you are, jaemin. i think you deserve the apology you need, because that's something i needed to say sorry for.

i'm sorry for cutting you off from my life, and me of all the people should know what it feels that way. so i'm sorry for doing that without much rational thinking but i don't think i can say i regret what i did, because i think what i did is right. i'm not like my friends and yours, jaemin. they can forgive you for what you believe in but i can't forgive you just yet on how you perceive other people.

i can't forgive you for breaking up with jeno because you are too scared to tell your dad that you're dating a guy. it just sucks that i tell you stuff about my life and how i want to be free about my sexuality not knowing you're against to people like me. so i guess i could not forgive you just yet. but it really depends if you want to talk it out personally, because just like what i've said before, i'm always here for yoh. so whatever, happy 18th birthday na jaemin.

you're a big Boi now jaem, and i hope we could meet again in the future AJSJSHSHS lmao what the fuck it sounds like eulogy man but you ain't even dead. but seriously, i hope you had a blast and maybe, just maybe you find solace in your own rather than looking for it in other people. welcome to the 18 club, i heart u . (#gay)

i hope you finally found peace within yourself as you learn the mistakes you've did. jaemin, i hope you learn that i still consider you as my friend. you still are, but i hope so i am still yours.

p.s. remember when you used to be bisexual? lmao sjksjdjd.

_renjun_


	4. december 25, 2018

** _december 25, 2018_ **

_merry christmas._

we aren't really talking but why the fuck am i still writing you this letter? yeah, basically my thoughts right now.

it's kinda weird seeing you in the building, you know. you hanging out with your new friends, singing worship songs... yeah.

jaemin, i know you will hate me. i hate myself too. but i can't. i can't stop this. i know if you read this you're going to be disgusted of me, and i don't want to see your reaction. that's why i'm writing this letter for you. for you to know that i like you.

i like you jaem.

so much. so fucking much. 

it's weird to finally say that out loud. fuck. i'm sorry. i tried not to, i really did. but i can't stop myself.

sorry.

i wish you a merry christmas jaemin. im sorry for possibly ruining your holidays. i just... really need to get it all out.

and i understand you if you're going to ignore me. yeah. it sucks but i know the consequence of my actions.

my heart to yours,

_rj_


	5. february 16, 2019

** _february 16, 2019_ **

yeah. _it's me again._

i know i told you that i like you last christmas break. and i fully knew you are going to act like i never existed in your life and ignore me by the new year's.

jaem, i'm sorry.

i'm sorry for not telling it sooner.

would it be better if i realized it before you started dating jeno?

i like you, so fucking much.

this is the last day of high school. and i'm going to not see you around anymore.

i'm going to miss you, na jaemin. your smile. your jokes. your annoyingly good voice. everything.

i like you jaemin. and goodbye. this is the last letter i'm going to send to you. not because i killed myself, no. i wanna see aliens before i did that. sjsjdjd anyways, it's the last one because i need to move on.

i like you jaemin, but it's the end. i can't be your friend, i can't like you, and i want every memory of you gone. i want to forget everything about you. i want to start fresh.

i want to say thank you jaemin, for being a part of my life. you helped me grow into the person i am today, and for that i'm more than happy to be a part of yours too.

jaemin, i may not be with you, just remember that you took a piece of mine and wherever you go, i'll always be happy knowing that you're the man who got away with a piece of my heart.

jaemin. i love you. more than a friend.

goodbye,  
_renjun_.

p.s. please eat up. i notice you're getting thinner. eat healthy food. :)


	6. 0̷2̷/̷1̷6̷/̷1̷9̷

_ ** <strike>february 16, 2019</strike> ** _

<strike>jaemin,</strike>

<strike>it's me, renjun. i understand that you're still upset over everything i confessed to you last year, and i know you feel hurt and betrayed and _disgusted _to know that i abhor such feelings for you.</strike>

<strike>im sorry jaem. i just fucking like you so much. i like you so much that it kinda scares me.</strike>

<strike>i dont want to forget about you. but i dont have a choice.</strike>

<strike> please jaemin. cant you... </strike>

<strike> love me back?</strike>

<strike></strike>i'm sorry jaem. for everything.

i dont fucking know what to say wtf sndlakajjd fuck


	7. august 13, 2022

** _august 13, 2022_ **

jaemin

_happy birthday. _do you still remember me?

are you trying your best to graduate? 

<strike>truth be told i don't know what to write because </strike>

<strike> fuck i miss you so fucking m</strike>

i hope you had a blast!

huang renjun


	8. date unspecified

to the boy i've always had in my heart,

i guess we were never really meant for each other, due to the fact that you are painfully straight (for now) and very much not interested in me. and also, you're a fucking dickhead. who's a homophobic piece of shit and it kinda sucks that years of fooling around and nonsensical pining and flirting with a boy leads to this, with me trying to burn every bridges i've made to you and everything that reminds me of you. i'm not sad that we never ended up together, but i can not say i didn't dream of us together,

happy, content. no 

i'm sad that i lost you, as a friend, and i hope you're happy,

because it doesn't matter if you don't love me or these feelings i've kept hidden after all these years won't be heard forever. the only regret i'll ever have is knowing 

no one will know that i used to dream a future where

<strike>you and me, all teamed up against the world.</strike>

**a letter i'll never** send

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to the person reading this,
> 
> this doesn't end with a happy ending or even a sad one, as it never ended the way it should be.
> 
> this was painful, writing everything as it was before, but i moved on.
> 
> this letter remains inside my journal, kept within the confinements of my thoughts, my memories, and pictures of him.
> 
> it doesn't end with a happy ending or even a sad one, but it's enough. sometimes, no ending means a simple ending.


End file.
